To Josh

Dear Josh,

Today is four weeks and one day since you took your life. In ways, it is harder now than it was then: I cry less constantly, but miss you more with each passing day. I expect you to drop by just to say hi, I long for the opportunity to put my arms around you, feel your hair against my cheek, brush my lips across the coarseness of your beard and tell you I love you.

When I think of your last moments I’m haunted by the thought of you pressing the gun to your head. I keep wondering if you were crying, hesitant, if you had to work up your nerve or if you were calm and precise, sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that death was a welcome release from the torment of your own thoughts. If I allow myself to think of you crying it’s not long before I have to shove those images away before my own heart ache becomes crippling in it’s intensity. The desire to do the impossible becomes a constant barrage of thought in my brain. I become obsessed with the need to comfort you, hold you close and do what I’ve always tried to do for you… ease the pain. I long for the days when a bandage and a kiss could dry your tears, when you not only looked to me to provide comfort, but believed in my power to do so.

Josh, there are so many things I want to tell you, yet I am soothed by the knowledge that I told you the really important stuff. I have a sense of peace knowing you loved all of us and knew how very much we loved you in return. The rest of the world may not understand the pain you were in, or why you killed yourself, because you always did such a good job of hiding it, but I’m your mother. I know your heart, I know your soul, just as I’ve always known it from the very beginning. My love for you was blind, but my understanding of you was infinite. I know only too well the torture your mind put you through, the doubts and insecurities you lived with every single day. I know how hard you tried to live for everyone around you. I saw it baby, and I hope you know now, wherever you are, I’m not angry with you. I just miss you more than words can ever express.

Because I miss you so much, some days it’s nearly impossible to not be selfish and wish you could have continued to live for my sake. Forgive me for wanting you back, but please know it’s only because you brought so much joy to my life and all the lives around you. The depth of my longing and sorrow is a direct reflection on how incredibly loved you are. What a wonderful Son you are. I’m so grateful for you, for all you've taught and shared with me and I am at odds within myself to balance the joy with the anguish of your loss. I’m constantly reminding myself that the only way to have avoided the darkness of your death would have been to never have experienced being in light of your life. You have been such an incredible blessing, and I struggle to open my mind and heart to the lessons I can still learn from you.

You know I never thought I could live without you, and don't often understand why my heart is still beating in a world without your presence, but I truly believe that’s what you need me to do. Life will never be the same, but I know you believed in our strength as a family, in our love for each other to get us through this. I’m not sure yet exactly how it’s going to happen, but we’re trying Josh, so very hard.

The days pass and I see you in every thing around me and carry you with me everywhere I go. Nothing’s changed my Love. I feel your love surrounding me, and hope with all my heart you are finally at peace.

As always, I love you,

Mom