Another week goes by

Today will be my fourth day back at work. Five weeks since his death. It frightens me how easily life continues without my son. Surely the world should stand still in mourning, yet it stubbornly keeps on going against my will.

My newest ritual is to sit on the back porch and talk with him. The fall leaves remind me of him in their swirling travel to greet the ground. They are in the midst of sacrificing themselves to the ever changing of the seasons and yet they are beautiful in their plight. No small wonder he loved them so.

It struck me the other day; I never realized how often I thought of him until now. Everything reminds me of him and brings a barb of pain, knowing he will never again see or do those things. The simple act of buying a new type of brie... The first thought that comes to mind is the need to call him and have him come try it because he adored cheese. The very essence of my being is intertwined with his… how lucky am I? Truly.

Each day I prod myself to smile more and mean it. To be kinder and feel it. To not be so sad over my loss that I forget to be joyful for what I have. Sometimes it works better than others, but it’s working. Josh would be so proud of me.

After all, only those that have, can lose.

Thank you, Josh, for looking out for me, for helping me remember your joy and excitement, for allowing us to have a relationship that brings me peace now.

I miss you so.