WWJD

I don't know when exactly I lost my mind, but it's fair to say my family is hoping I find it soon. The problem is I don't know that I've lost it so much as I've found it and they don't like the results.

I'm leaving my husband of 20 years and moving into my own place. Everyone is angry at me and I don't know how to make them understand that I need time and space to myself. I need to figure out who I am and what I want instead of living my life continuously to please them and their expectations. I have created a monster. No one hears me and every one turns to me to be the central orbit and foundation of their world to the exclusion of me having anything for myself. For the sake of brevity, I won't go into details, but suffice it to say, I either do this or I get committed to the mental institute. The decision hasn't been made lightly and comes with untold angst, fear and hurt.

Numerous times a day I wonder what Josh's stance on all this would be. Josh was the one person I feel would understand. I think he would have been worried and angry, but I think he would have understood. Josh was always able to say no to us all if he felt strongly something was in his best interest or what he needed to do for himself. We often had our feelings hurt, yet he was also the one I think we all respected the most. We knew he didn't do things to hurt us, merely to take care of himself. If hurt was a by-product, he was sorry for that, but it seldom, if ever made him alter his plans. Because of that quality I think we had him for a lot longer than if he had lived his life for us.

When Josh died, I almost immediately recognized how grateful I was for him being able to stand up to us and live his own life. I felt he had truly lived and experienced life rather than doing what every one else wanted of him. I have always been in awe of his ability to do that. I want to learn how to do it for myself.

So I sit here wondering if he would understand. I talk to him but get no answers. Or do I? The strength to make this decision has come partially from my love and admiration of him. The possibility exists he wouldn't understand any of this and I'm deluding myself by believing he would. There is no way to express how much I wish I could talk to him and get his point of view.

I will have to muddle through on my own, not ever knowing:

What Would Josh Do?