The Way We Were.

Dear Josh,

I no longer remember who I used to be when you were alive.

I saw a picture today from years ago when you were in high school and Sarah came to visit us. We lived in a little house.. an ugly house even, and I remember being self conscious of how we lived... in our little house, with our ugly kitchen, with a picnic table that had been revamped and painted for our dining room table. We were crammed into that house. No room to be alone, one bathroom, an extra kid living with us half the time, and friends dropping in to stay from all over the world sometimes.

When I looked at that picture it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was happy then. All my children were alive and well. You were on your way to graduating from highschool. We were all together ... and we were happy. I can't seem to stop the tears from coming and I can't make this make sense. All I know is, just for a moment, when I looked at that picture I FELT what I felt then and realized how much time I had lost waiting for everything to be perfect when they already were. Just for a minute, I remembered what it used to feel like to have you with us, all of us together. I already had all there was to have in this world and was just too stupid to know it.

I miss you.
I miss ME.
There is no way to compare this life to that one. We will never all be together again and because of that I will never be as happy as I once was. Most of the time that's o.k., because the way I feel now is usually all I remember... but today, I remembered the way we were.

I love you,
Mom