Bailing

Sometimes, the space Josh resides in is a peaceful, calm location at the core of my being. The waters of my soul lie still and placid, warm in the sunshine of his memories. Only the occasional ripple of unrest moves me, but even then it’s not necessarily disturbing as much as a nudge not to get too comfortable. The small gusts of sorrow serve to remind me that the winds of grief are not gone, only circling around me, gathering their strength for the next onslaught. Yet, even knowing I should be expecting the storm, I still find myself caught unaware by it’s power.


This morning, the urgent need to once again lay eyes upon his face came upon me so, I sat and looked at pictures on my monitor. I found myself touching the screen and weeping. His eyes crinkled in a smile the Saturday before his death, the deep look of contemplation as he sits atop a mountain, the mischief in his face while he torments his little sister…these snapshots of his life are what I have to turn to instead of his voice, his laughter, his presence…. His future.


Some days, those are enough. Not enough to save me, but enough to keep my head above water and believe in a future where the calm waters will last. Then there are the “other” days. Days, like today, when the winds are high, the waves are crashing, the tide is rising and my life raft has a hole in it. There is no peace to be found, no safe haven within reach, so I simply continue to bail and hang on to the knowledge that “this too shall pass“.

Please.
Let it pass.
Please.