Of Suicide and Kindness

It is not possible to go through life without causing another human being pain at some point. No matter the amount of love or compassion, sometimes in order to be true to yourself you must accept the fact there will be casualties along the way.  I am at that point currently in my life. In order to take care of myself and survive the turmoil in my mind and heart I am forced to hurt the ones I love above all others.

I also believe that there are ways to hurt people that cause less damage than others. It's a bit of an oxymoron, but I truly believe that you can hurt someone in the kindest way possible. Yet again, I find myself looking to Josh for guidance. I'm also having more revelations about his death.

Since he committed suicide, I have done alot of reading and also joined an on line support group. Some of the stories I have read or heard have left me reeling in an effort to comprehend what other families have gone through and are having to survive. What I have come to realize is my son was incredibly kind to all of us in his last moments.

There are no doubts about whether he loved us. I think we all know he would have probably have been gone long before he was except for his love for us and his desire not to hurt us. He was loved and he loved us in return. He showed us in so many ways, but perhaps never more than in the way he died. I know he was aware of the fact he was going to hurt us, but I also know he did it in the kindest way he knew how while still taking care of himself in the only way he felt was left to him.

Before he died he completely and utterly made sure none of saw it coming. We had all seen or talked to him and even in retrospect, there were no indicators that he was feeling suicidal. When he left, Josh made sure to turn off his phone so none of us could wonder if there was something we could have said to him to change his mind. He didn't even check his voice mail so even though we had all left messages we also know he never got them. There was absolutely nothing any of us could have said or done to change anything. He went away to a place that was significant to him, but not to any of us. He got out of his truck and sat down under a tree before he shot himself. There was no way any of us were going to be the ones to find him. No one that knew and loved Josh had to see him that way. There was no mess for his loved ones to clean up or try to put back together in a moment of desperation. There was no note laying blame, there were no harsh words he could never take back. There is nothing around us or inside of us to remind us of his last moments. We are free to remember him in all his glorious beauty and to recall all the magnificent memories we have of his life. I am forever in his debt for the mercy and kindness he showed to us all in the way he handled his decision to die.

I remember how devestated I was when he went out of state to college at the tender age of seventeen.  I cried for months because I hated him being so far from home and hated even more the way he appeared to be perfectly content with it. Then one day it hit me. The only thing worse than him being away and happy would be for him to be away and unhappy. That was when I accepted the fact that if one of us was going to be hurting, I was glad it was me. It got easier after that to be happy for his happiness. To be joyful of his ability to move on with his own life without me ever present.

I want to have my son back in my daily life. But in order to have that I would have to also be willing for him to continue to live with the horrors of being bi-polar. If he were still with us he would be in torment and I could never seflishly want that for him when I know he is at peace now. Those words do not come easily or readily. I struggle to think them much less type them and put them out for the world to see. It is not that I am alright with him being gone, it's more that I have always loved my son enough to put his happiness and well being in front of my own.

The same holds true now.

I want my son to be at peace. Please, be at peace, my son. For if you are, then I can find my way there too.

I love you Josh.