Breaking Tradition

Traditions are hard to break. When I started having children, I automatically started traditions. I started doing things I would feel the need to continue, without first giving thought to whether or not they were good traditions or force of habit left over from my own childhood.

For years, I've struggled with the commercialism of Christmas. Every year our family would discuss not participating in the whole traditional Christmas routine, and every year we would cave. In the past, there has always been some reason to follow through rather than let someone down or deal with the never ending questions. This year though, no matter how much I would like the option of having our old fashioned Christmas, it's not going to happen. Rather than swim upstream against the currents of change, I've decided to go with the flow.

It will be different this year. New traditions will be created. Only time will tell whether it's for the better or the worse, but never again will I allow myself to get locked in by habit simply because it's a comfort zone. (that has become increasingly uncomfortable)

Truthfully, Josh made the decision for me, but that's fitting since he has always been my impetus for change. I can't even begin to recall all the times in my life I've been motivated to be a better person in order to make his life better or make him proud of me. Knowing how much he despised what Christmas has become gives me permission to do it different this year. Even if it's by using the shadow of his death to do so. I know he wouldn't mind and would approve of our decision.

Come Christmas day, I will gather my family together and we will take time to remember why we love each other. We will spend time, expend thought, and share love. There will be no gifts that are pricey and could have (even potentially)cost someone their life at Wal-mart or any other store. If gifts are exchanged at all, they will be handmade or second hand. If I need proof of this being the right decision, I will wrap the scarf Josh hand wove for me several Christmases ago tighter around my neck and remember how much I treasure it. (Yet, I can't remember what he bought for me last year.)

At the end of the day, I want to be able to mourn the loss of my son secure in the knowledge I've found a way to create good from his life. It's the only gift I can give him.