Hurt

Grief is not an ebb and flow of good an bad these days. Instead, it is a river. Raging, roaring towards some unseen destination I cannot fathom. Pulling me in its grip in the direction it wants me to go regardless of where I would choose to send it. I am seized in a torrent of white water rapids and I'm spinning, smashing and pounding into boulders of remembrance at every turn. If only I could have a moment of calm to collect my thoughts I think I would be better able to know what to do, but I am unable to slow the thoughts and memories in my mind long enough to make rhyme or reason from them. The desire to breath calm revitalizing air is overwhelming, but instead there are droplets of pain splashing into my face and lungs, the mix of air versus grief getting thicker and more difficult to process into usable life. I can't see what's coming ahead, can only hear the increasing sounds of chaos and I picture a drop over an emotional waterfall at the end of the line. I'm terrified if I don't find a way to reach calm waters before I get there it will plunge me under the surface of life, taking me so deep into my mind and memories and sorrows there will be no hope of resurfacing.

As time passes I am beginning to feel so distant from Josh. I don't feel his presence around me like I did in the beginning. It's debilitating to think he's ....just, well.... gone. I spend my days seeking some tangible place, time or object which will make me feel reconnected with him but it seems the harder I grasp to reach him the farther away he is. The world is moving on without him. I know I'm supposed to also, but I feel unable to move on with it.

I'm hanging all my hopes on the passing of the holidays. I know there is not ever going to be a time when I'm alright, when it's "over", but perhaps it will be less consuming without constantly gagging on Christmas and cheer being shoved down my throat 24/7.

I haven't decorated or even set up the tree. We say we want to do it different this year, and yet it feels like we're shutting him out. There is no balance. We can't make it the same and we can't make it different and the damn day is coming either way. At this point it's pretty much a given it will be different, and not just because he's not here. There have been no gifts purchased, and I don't care. I can't do it. How do I not shop for him? Do I hang his stocking? How can I not? But then how can I leave it empty? How do we have tree decorating night without him? Do we set his Santa mug to the side or just not get it out? The questions without answers go on and on. I know with time I will have to come up with solutions and alternate plans. But not this year.

I sleep too much, I cry too much, I ache from head to toe. I'm forgetful and scatter brained. I'm avoidant and reclusive. I'm a shadow. Grief is exacting it's toll and the price is too steep to pay both grief and life.

I hurt.