Of Suicide and Kindness

It is not possible to go through life without causing another human being pain at some point. No matter the amount of love or compassion, sometimes in order to be true to yourself you must accept the fact there will be casualties along the way.  I am at that point currently in my life. In order to take care of myself and survive the turmoil in my mind and heart I am forced to hurt the ones I love above all others.

I also believe that there are ways to hurt people that cause less damage than others. It's a bit of an oxymoron, but I truly believe that you can hurt someone in the kindest way possible. Yet again, I find myself looking to Josh for guidance. I'm also having more revelations about his death.

Since he committed suicide, I have done alot of reading and also joined an on line support group. Some of the stories I have read or heard have left me reeling in an effort to comprehend what other families have gone through and are having to survive. What I have come to realize is my son was incredibly kind to all of us in his last moments.

There are no doubts about whether he loved us. I think we all know he would have probably have been gone long before he was except for his love for us and his desire not to hurt us. He was loved and he loved us in return. He showed us in so many ways, but perhaps never more than in the way he died. I know he was aware of the fact he was going to hurt us, but I also know he did it in the kindest way he knew how while still taking care of himself in the only way he felt was left to him.

Before he died he completely and utterly made sure none of saw it coming. We had all seen or talked to him and even in retrospect, there were no indicators that he was feeling suicidal. When he left, Josh made sure to turn off his phone so none of us could wonder if there was something we could have said to him to change his mind. He didn't even check his voice mail so even though we had all left messages we also know he never got them. There was absolutely nothing any of us could have said or done to change anything. He went away to a place that was significant to him, but not to any of us. He got out of his truck and sat down under a tree before he shot himself. There was no way any of us were going to be the ones to find him. No one that knew and loved Josh had to see him that way. There was no mess for his loved ones to clean up or try to put back together in a moment of desperation. There was no note laying blame, there were no harsh words he could never take back. There is nothing around us or inside of us to remind us of his last moments. We are free to remember him in all his glorious beauty and to recall all the magnificent memories we have of his life. I am forever in his debt for the mercy and kindness he showed to us all in the way he handled his decision to die.

I remember how devestated I was when he went out of state to college at the tender age of seventeen.  I cried for months because I hated him being so far from home and hated even more the way he appeared to be perfectly content with it. Then one day it hit me. The only thing worse than him being away and happy would be for him to be away and unhappy. That was when I accepted the fact that if one of us was going to be hurting, I was glad it was me. It got easier after that to be happy for his happiness. To be joyful of his ability to move on with his own life without me ever present.

I want to have my son back in my daily life. But in order to have that I would have to also be willing for him to continue to live with the horrors of being bi-polar. If he were still with us he would be in torment and I could never seflishly want that for him when I know he is at peace now. Those words do not come easily or readily. I struggle to think them much less type them and put them out for the world to see. It is not that I am alright with him being gone, it's more that I have always loved my son enough to put his happiness and well being in front of my own.

The same holds true now.

I want my son to be at peace. Please, be at peace, my son. For if you are, then I can find my way there too.

I love you Josh.

A Day of Love

I cant hold it all together for everyone anymore. Today is just another day rife with expectations that will go unfulfilled. You aren't here and I couldn't bring myself to buy and do the little things I normally do for everyone.

So instead I will write here and wish it were chocolates. Wish it were flowers. Wish it was a sweetly written card. Wish I was with you. Wish Wish Wish. My days are full of wishes. I'm holding out both hands and wishing into one... and watching the other one fill up.

I miss you.

I yearn for you.

I love you.

Happy Valentines Day.

WWJD

I don't know when exactly I lost my mind, but it's fair to say my family is hoping I find it soon. The problem is I don't know that I've lost it so much as I've found it and they don't like the results.

I'm leaving my husband of 20 years and moving into my own place. Everyone is angry at me and I don't know how to make them understand that I need time and space to myself. I need to figure out who I am and what I want instead of living my life continuously to please them and their expectations. I have created a monster. No one hears me and every one turns to me to be the central orbit and foundation of their world to the exclusion of me having anything for myself. For the sake of brevity, I won't go into details, but suffice it to say, I either do this or I get committed to the mental institute. The decision hasn't been made lightly and comes with untold angst, fear and hurt.

Numerous times a day I wonder what Josh's stance on all this would be. Josh was the one person I feel would understand. I think he would have been worried and angry, but I think he would have understood. Josh was always able to say no to us all if he felt strongly something was in his best interest or what he needed to do for himself. We often had our feelings hurt, yet he was also the one I think we all respected the most. We knew he didn't do things to hurt us, merely to take care of himself. If hurt was a by-product, he was sorry for that, but it seldom, if ever made him alter his plans. Because of that quality I think we had him for a lot longer than if he had lived his life for us.

When Josh died, I almost immediately recognized how grateful I was for him being able to stand up to us and live his own life. I felt he had truly lived and experienced life rather than doing what every one else wanted of him. I have always been in awe of his ability to do that. I want to learn how to do it for myself.

So I sit here wondering if he would understand. I talk to him but get no answers. Or do I? The strength to make this decision has come partially from my love and admiration of him. The possibility exists he wouldn't understand any of this and I'm deluding myself by believing he would. There is no way to express how much I wish I could talk to him and get his point of view.

I will have to muddle through on my own, not ever knowing:

What Would Josh Do?