Belief

I walked out the door from work to see my car pulled up just outside, waiting on me, despite having left it in the employee parking area that morning. The dark tint to my windows kept me from seeing the driver, but it was a no-brainer that it was my husband there to surprise me since he is the only one who has keys and he loves to drive my car. I opened the passenger door to climb in, a smile on my face, glad to be done with my work day and to spend time with my husband of twenty years. That's when I realized the face leaning over the center console waiting for me was Josh's.

"Hi Mamasita!", He announced, smiling from ear to ear, but with a nervous quality, not sure what my response was going to be. After all, he has been dead for over four months. No small feat to show up now for a friendly mother-son date.

I freaked. Smooth freaked. We're talking bat-shit crazy, wall-eyed hissy-fit, freaked. I broke down in a way that is certainly not acceptable in public and I couldn't have cared less. I saw the smile fall from his face as he quickly threw the car in park and jumped out to run around to me. The whole time I was crying, no...wailing at him to explain to me what the hell he was doing there.

"No Josh! You can't do this! Your dead, I know your dead! You can't mess with my mind this way! How are you here? Where have you been? What are you doing? Please don't do this, I can't bear it."

I was angry as hell, which surprised me then, as much as it does now. You'd think I would have just been overjoyed to see him, and yes, that was there, but mostly I was angry. Seething mad. As he came to me I was swatting at him to keep away, trying to tell him what a cruel, cruel joke this was, yet he persisted in touching me, hugging me. All the while with his shit-eating nervous grin in place. Josh never did quite know what to do with a crying woman. You could almost see him thinking to himself " Oh hell, what do I do now? She's leaking!" Yet, he stayed by my side and held me, rubbed my back, quietly talked to me, and slowly his words began to penetrate past my hysteria.

" Shhhhh, it's O.K. Mom. I'm sorry I scared you. I'm sorry I worried you all these months. I'm O.K. I'm fine. It's all going to be alright. Please don't cry. I never meant to make you cry. I never meant for you to be so sad. I'm so sorry. Please don't be so sad. I'm fine Mom, I've been fine. I just don't want you to worry anymore. I'm right here. I'm always here. I love you." He repeated these gentle words over and over.

Slowly my heart heard him. It was impossible to deny his presence while enveloped in his arms, breathing in the smoky smell of his leather jacket, hearing the deep timber of his voice, seeing the crooked eye tooth in his smile. Slowly I came to understand the impossible was happening and I was actually getting to talk to my son again for the first time in four months. I was calmed. Comforted. Joyous. I believed him. Believed IN him.

I STILL believe.

Even though I woke up.

I love you Josh.